Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Great Gift for the Wife

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" Long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS _DESTRUCTION!@$$!%_

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-GUN that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return.. Still in shock.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Note to self...... buy flowers!image

7 comments:

Carole Burant said...

LOL I had read this before and even reading it again, it had me laughing like crazy! hehe xoxo

Linda said...

I know...LOL I just keep picturing the guy doing it, and laugh my butt off.

Renie Burghardt said...

Hi Linda,

How funny! But I think I'd like to have one of these. Are they for real? Gonna look into it. One of my sons is a cop (in Cleveland Heights) and I'll have to ask him about it.

But this is a hilarious post.

Hugs,

Renie

Linda said...

Hello Renie...
I think they are for real..Maybe not as strong as the Police might have...but please check into it, because I would like to have one as well.
:)

Karen Roper said...

This is hilarious! I'm copying and sending to the hubster!!LOL

Karen Roper said...

ooops...can't copy from your page. Would you send in an e-mail? gowestinamini@gmail.com

Unknown said...

ROFL
That was so funny. I do have a stun gun, it looks like a flasH light. My husbands likes to make it sound off lol, I hope he dont do this. LOL